My First Christmas in Heaven

Last Christmas was a dismal time. At 2:00 am Christmas morning 2010, Al became extremely ill. By 8:00 am we were on the way to the hospital via ambulance. He never came home and died exactly two months later. This Christmas is hard in so many ways. When I begin to get sad, I read this poem given to me at one of my bereavement meetings.

To everyone that has lost a loved one, I hope it helps you too. Merry Christmas.

                              My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy these voices bring
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift, more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessings, or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away the tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

                   A few days before Christmas, 2010 at the company Christmas Party.

October

"There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

I've always loved the month of October. With October comes some of my favorite things: college football, fall clothes, cooler weather and my birthday. A couple of days ago, Jessica came to see me at the condo. A commercial came on television for chicken strips (of all things) at the same time Jessica was asking me the question, "Are you excited about your birthday"? And at that moment, the tears began to sneak out of my eyes. I couldn't believe how I was reacting to a commercial and a simple question about my birthday. And then I realized what the real issue was.

One year ago on my birthday was the absolute last day that our lives were "normal". On October 21st of last year we went to Cheddars (and ate chicken strips, thus the reaction to the commercial) to celebrate my birthday. The next day, which was actually my birthday, was the day Al's leg required a trip to the emergency room. He was admitted, diagnosed 6 days later and died 4 months after that.

It's hard to believe that it will soon by one year since the saga began. I sometimes feel that I am doing great and then all of sudden reality hits. It's hard to live in a town where Al's name is displayed all over the city, seen on license plates and spoken about on television commercials. Because of the commercials, I usually do not watch the news because that is when most of the commercials for the dealership are shown.

While doing some reading on the grieving process, I discovered that it is completely normal to experience a second wave of grief...and I think I've caught the wave. For the last seven months (since his death) I have been extremely busy. I had to pack up a house, move, do some remodeling in the condo and finally settle down. The "down time" that I have now allows me to sit and contemplate "what might have been". This is normal, but quite unhealthy if that's all you do.

Because I have more time now, of course there is more time to think. I can understand how people like me who have lost a spouse can hover between loneliness and grief and sometimes not find their way out.

I am trying to tackle this new emotion before it gets out of hand. I have joined a bereavement group sponsored by a church. It is quite wonderful to be able to listen and to talk to people who know exactly how I feel. It is a ten week course and we have completed three weeks. Somebody outside the group asked me if I really needed to be there. Honestly, at first I thought it would be a nice place to meet people that are going through the same thing I was. But now, I realize I need to be there. I have been able to talk about things to these people that I can't to those who haven't experienced what I have. The group has been wonderful for me.

I'm sure the next few months leading to the one year anniversary of Al's death is going to be hard, just like October does not hold the same pleasure it did for me in years past. Maybe one year it will, but it won't be this year.

These pictures are from my birthday dinner at Cheddar's one year ago and the day before Al went into the hospital.

Jana and Tommy Bounds and T-Bone's Teed Off At Cancer Tournament

Jana and I have been friends for about 25 years. We worked together in Houston and I had the privilege to introduce her to my friend and former Sinton alum, Tommy T-Bone Bounds. I knew it was love at first sight for Tommy, because even though he had been known as a "ladies man", he totally acted differently around Jana. They got married in Hawaii, moved to San Antonio and began building their dream house. Their daughter, Jacqueline was born and life was good. When Jac was only three years old, Jana got the terrifying news that she had Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer which has a survival rate of 32%. I spoke to Jana a couple of days ago and told her that I wanted to tell her story and to illustrate how she and Tommy took that diagnosis, turned it around and are now giving back to their community.

An ovarian cyst was discovered during a routine exam in 1997. She was symptom free of anything even remotely related to cancer. Her doctor was not too concerned since Jana was 33 years old, too young (according to statistics) to have ovarian cancer. But, Jana knew her body and felt that something wasn't right. She insisted on a CT Scan. That scan revealed that it was in fact cancer and it had spread. She had major surgery, a complete hysterectomy, oophorectomy (removal of ovaries), and appendectomy. She says she was "gutted". After the shock of the diagnosis and then the surgery, she was told that she would have to endure six months of chemotherapy. She persevered, came through the chemo and went back to life.

In 1998, Tommy (T-Bone) felt he needed to do something. On his 40th birthday, he and a few of his good friends played golf and came up with the idea that an annual golf tournament could raise a little money that would be donated to a cancer charity. That first year, a $200 donation was made and the annual "T-Bone's Teed Off At Cancer" was born.

In 1999, Jana got the devastating news that the cancer was back. This time, cancer was found on  her colon and bladder. Surgery was performed to remove a large portion of her colon and to remove the cancer from her bladder. Once again, another six months of chemotherapy was required. Today, Jana sees an oncologist every 3 months in San Antonio and goes to M.D. Anderson for yearly checkups. She does not like to say that she is "cancer free", but she believes she is alive today because of a drug called Arrimidex that inhibits estrogen in her body. She will be on this drug for the rest of her life.

Because of T-Bone's natural salesmanship, and the grass roots campaign through his friends and family, the tournament has taken off beyond their wildest dreams. In 2000, a poker tournament was added and in 2011, a sponsorship program was developed and major corporations such as Valero, Allied Waste Services, Taco Cabana and IBC Bank were eager to sign up. As of today, the 2011 event (the 13th year of the charity) has raised $62,000 and has a goal of $80,000 by the end of the 2 day event scheduled for September 16th and 17th at the Hyatt Hill Country in San Antonio. Tommy will be auctioning off items such as: a Taylor Swift autographed guitar; the US Open Golf Tournament 18th hole green flag signed by Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus; a Nolan Ryan autographed baseball; a Taylor Made custom golf experience in Colorado and a weekend package at the Hyatt Hill Country Resort.

Three years ago, an association was developed with the Children's Cancer and Blood Disorders Center at Christus Santa Rosa Children's Hospital in San Antonio and Teed Off At Cancer. One hundred percent of the profits from the golf and poker tournaments are set aside to assist these children and parents. Jana and Tommy have developed a H.O.P.E. bag. The acronym stands for Helping Others Persevere Everyday. Jana describes this bag in very simple terms. It is an insulated "crisis" bag and contains items such as toothpaste, a blanket, crayons, soap, a $50 Valero gift card, a $50 HEB gift card, parking vouchers and as Jana says, anything that "will take a tiny bit of the pressure off the parents". She explains that it is not unusual for a child to be taken to an emergency room due to illness, and the next thing you know they are given a devastating diagnosis that requires that an immediate trip be taken out of town for treatment. The parents may literally have only the clothes on their backs and in such a situation, may spend weeks, sometimes longer in the hospital. This H.O.P.E. bag is given to the parents upon admission and sometimes personally delivered by Jana and Tommy. The charity event has also been responsible for flat screen TVs in reception rooms, playstations, computers and even dinosaur beds for the children. Recently, a $15,000 donation was made to assist in equipment for a new playground.

I asked Jana how she is doing 14 years after her initial diagnosis. She says "I am so much less frightened. Do I think that it (the cancer) can come back? Sure, but the thought is so much more diminished as the years go by".

Find out more about  T-Bone's Teed Off At Cancer and Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament at their web site, https://teedoffatcancersa.com/Home_Page.php or on facebook. But, I am going to ask you to do more. Send a donation to: Teed-Off at Cancer, 27726 Laurel Bloom, San Antonio, TX 78260. Send a dollar, two dollars, five, ten, twenty, one hundred or a thousand. We need to do our part to help the effects of this devastating disease. One dollar, less than the price of your Starbuck's coffee for one day. Please...do it!

Jana concluded the interview with these final words. "One in three people will get cancer. If it is not you, it could be your spouse, mother, father, sibling or best friend. That's just reality". Yes, it is.

Summer Update

Today I realized that I have not updated my blog in over a month. I guess that means that I don't have anything important to write about....it's official, I'm boring! Here's a recap of what I've been doing the last few weeks.

Jessica, the girls and I have spent at least one day out of the week swimming (or lounging). The girls are like fish and will stay in the water for hours. We have our routine down...we meet at the club around 11:00, swim for awhile, eat lunch, swim some more and more and more. We usually pack up around 3:30. By then, the girls are tired and full of pizza and ice cream. I usually go home and take a nap...the girls and the sun wear me out!

We've also been to Chuck-E-Cheese a couple of times:

I have read a ton of books this summer...at least 3-4 a month. I belong to not one, but two book clubs and after reading the two assigned books, I try to get in a couple more. Books are a method of relaxation for me and help me get to sleep at night. A couple of favorites that I have read this summer are: Unbroken, Heaven is for Real, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and of course, the very popular, The Help.

I also started my part-time job at Talbots. I work a couple of days a week and am really enjoying it. I LOVE all the ladies that work there and enjoy meeting all the clients that come in. We are in the middle of a BIG sale for summer items and the fall clothes are starting to come in. If you are in the area, come and see me.

I have two great friends that are trying to keep me busy at dinner time. We eat out together at least twice a week (it's an unofficial dining club). The 6:00 to 7:00 pm time frame is the worst part of the day for me. That is the time that I would wind my day down and wait for Al to get home. Even our dog, Coco instinctively knew the time as she would situate herself at the front door and wait for her dad. Now, I get extremely lonely at that time, so Dalia and Kelly try to keep me busy. We are a motley crew. All different ages, but compatible in so many ways. They make me laugh, and that's what I need right now. We usually eat sushi or mexican food...it is amazing that I haven't gained a bunch of weight this summer.

                                                                Dalia and me.....

Kelly and me....

Which takes me to my next time consuming project. I have been going to the Athletic Club and have been "working out" at least 5 days a week. Working out usually means walking/jogging for 2-3 miles as I listen to my ipod. I have even played tennis a couple of times. Once school starts Jessica is going to join me on the court. The approximately 10-15 miles a week that I walk has helped me lose close to 15 lbs. and a few inches. It's a start!

I have been helping Jessica and Javier with their house remodel. Jessica and I picked out the exterior paint and while they were at church camp, the house was painted. When they got home, neither one of them liked the paint color. Javier threatened to make Jessica and me repaint the whole house ourselves since we want the house repainted. As of today, the house color has not changed (I wonder why)! I think I'll stay out of that one for a while. Here is the front of the house in it's remodeling stage, for obvious reasons, I did not submit a picture of the painted sides, but if you look closely, you can see different paint samples to the left of this picture.

All in all, I'm trying to keep busy. I feel like I am doing good and then Al's death hits me like a ton of bricks. The 4th of July holiday was really sad for me. That was surprising to me since we never really did a whole lot on that day except eat. As I stood on my balcony and watched the fireworks downtown, I finally realized why the day had been so hard. I remembered that it was the only night Al and I had stayed at the condo. I had bribed him with a big, fat hamburger if he would watch the fireworks with me on the pier. He readily agreed. We sat on the pier with a couple of other condo owners, listed to the music and watched the fireworks. When it was over, we walked back to the condo, holding hands and talking about what a fun time we had. We were so happy and talked about how we needed to make this a yearly tradition. Neither one of us realized it would be our last time together to sit under the stars and say I love you to each other. From now on, every time I see fireworks I will think of that night.

What Box Do I Check?

I am a real estate agent/investor. I got my license shortly after Al and I started buying, remodeling and then flipping houses. We had a great time doing this, but lately, my heart hasn't been in it. It was something we did together...we often played "good cop, bad cop" during the negotiations. We were a true partnership when it came to this endeavor. Because I lost my partner, I don't really have the desire, nor drive to do it anymore. Even though I have a couple of listings, I think I may eventually refer everything to someone else. If anything, I need a break.

So, what do I do with myself now? Not totally sure, but in the meantime I have to do something. I have worked since I was 14 years old and I am not one to sit around and eat bonbons all day (even though my husband jokingly accused me of that). I have always loved fashion, especially fashion that came from my favorite store, Talbots. A couple of years ago, I entertained the idea of working there part-time, but the timing wasn't right, so I didn't pursue it. About a month ago, I approached them and was hired on a part-time basis. Perfect.

My first couple of hours on the job I had to fill out paperwork. Name, address, phone number, etc was all pretty common and straightforward. I was breezing right along until I came to this box:

         _____ Married
         _____ Single

I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. What do I check? I felt married, certainly not single. I put the pen down and contemplated the answer. The dictionary defines marriage as:  the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. OK, I had definitely been in a legal marriage. It defines single as: not married. Was I no longer married?

I certainly wasn't prepared for the emotions associated with that box. I wanted to check "married", but legally, I am now recognized as "single". I dutifully checked "single" and finished the paperwork.

I have been hit by situations like this before, but never one that caused me to reflect so greatly on the future. Oh well, it's just a box. Legally I may be single, but my heart is still married.

This is Your Life, Part 2 (Video)

Today marks three months since Al's passing. It has taken me that long to figure out how to post the video that was played at his funeral. I wanted to share this pictorial of his life. It's a little long, almost 12 minutes, but it's hard to show his life story in a shorter time frame. Listen to the music...as soon as I heard these songs I knew they were meant for this video.

I'm sorry, but I can't figure out how to get back to the blog from YouTube, so you will end up on you YouTube. Just 'x' out and you should be ok, or maybe someone can tell me how to do it?

By the way, he would hate all the fuss and would tell me to do something productive!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odsboAhw2eM

Unstuff Your Life...It Feels Great!

Al and I had a lot of stuff. I must say it was mostly his because he was a borderline (maybe more than borderline) pack rat. He kept things for years and never could remember what were in all those boxes in our garage. I liked to live with no clutter on countertops and always cleaned closets, especially mine at least every 6 months. We were so different in the things we considered important to keep. I agreed we needed to keep income tax returns, but didn't agree with him that we needed to keep every golf ball he ever hit.

The house we were living in when Al got sick was a little under 4,000 square feet. That means that we had 4,000 sq ft of furnishings and personal items. The condo that I moved into is 1,000 sq ft. I guess I don't have to tell you that a problem arose quickly after I sold the house. What to do? Well, timing is everything. Jessica and Javier bought a house that they are remodeling. They are going to "borrow" my furniture until I need it. When I moved, I basically moved my clothes and personal belongings.

When packing up the house, I knew I couldn't take much and I didn't want to store it. I have never rented a storage facility due to the fact that I felt that if it was boxed and stored I wouldn't miss it, so why keep it? This was my opportunity to get rid of things that had been in boxes for 10 years and were moved from house to house. My rules were:

1. If I hadn't used it in 6 months, it was out.
2. If I didn't love it, it was out.
3. If it didn't fit in my condo, it was out.

"Unstuffing" my life has been the most liberating experience I have ever been through. You should try it. There is something to be said about having all your belongings in one compact place. Javier told me he could build shelves for me in the garage. I said I didn't want them because I would just put "stuff" on them. I can honestly say that I know everything that I have and where it is.

There was one problem moving into the condo...It had no closet. When we originally remodeled, we had a small open area (like a hotel closet) to put things, since this was just a getaway home. That was not going to work for my clothes/things that made the cut. I stressed out about this closet/storage more than anything after I moved in. I thought that if people in NYC can live in 500 sq ft or less, then I could make this work. I thought about getting a storage cabinet from IKEA, but freaked out over the "assembly required" part. I also called a well-known closet design company from San Antonio. Their ideas were great, but were very $$$$. My wonderful son-in-love came to my rescue again and built me the most amazing closet space. It was completely finished today and is now home to clothes, shoes, luggage, accessories or anything I want to store behind the beautiful doors. My final rule for my new unstuffed life....when this closet gets full, it's time to unstuff again!

Wordless Wednesday

This is Your Life

Today would have been Al's 64th birthday. To commemorate, I am not going to have a pity party, but thought it would be fun to share some little known attributes about my husband. Hope you enjoy....

1.  Al couldn't remember the punch line on a joke for anything! As he was telling a joke, you could see his brain drift as he was trying to remember the punch line. So, he would stall and drag out the joke until you were so bored you begged for him to just forget it.

2.  He was a great cook, but an incredibly messy one. He would use every pot and pan in the house and leave his ingredients scattered around the counter top. It was my job to clean up, but it was worth it!

3.  My husband was what you would call technologically challenged. When I met him, his lack of knowledge in computers, cell phones, answering machines, etc was pathetic. After ten years, he was a lot better, but I'm still not sure if he could have changed the temperature on the thermostat if he had to.

4.  Al was a meticulous dresser, especially on Sunday mornings. He would spit (gross) shine his shoes often and as we all know, had a perfectly coiffed hairdo. We traveled to San Antonio once a year to custom order new shirts and suits. That is the only time he would shop. Everything else he wore, I bought, even if that meant bringing home 3-4 pairs of shoes for him to try on to pick the one pair that fit and was 40% off.

5.  Al took his duties as the Adult Sunday School teacher very seriously. He studied his Bible every morning for a minimum of one hour, usually calling someone to discuss scripture with him. When most teachers would take off Monday, he was right back at it, telling everyone, "we have a great lesson this week".

6.  He loved, loved, loved golf. For 10 years I asked him to take an afternoon off each week so we could do things together. Well, he took the afternoon (or two) off, but it was to play golf. Most of our vacations were to golf resorts, but I was happy to accommodate him, since I ventured to the spa while he played.

7.  My husband loved to talk on the phone. He was worse than any woman!!!! I am not a phone talker, so I say my business and get off the phone. Not him, he would move from subject to subject with anyone that would listen.

8.  He was the sixth grade spelling bee champ in his elementary school.

9.  He sold and drove Chevrolets, but couldn't tell you how any of the buttons on the dashboard worked. He begged me to change the clock after daylights savings time and could never figure out how to get the overhead light to come on when he opened the door. It didn't matter that we showed him how to do it every time he changed cars...guess that goes back to #3 above.

10. Al yelled "Praise the Lord" one year after I told him that we had to pay thousands of dollars in income tax for the year. I said, "excuse me, did you hear me correctly?" He said, "I heard you, that means the Lord blessed us tremendously for the year!" I love that one.

11. He loved all kinds of animals, especially his dogs, Barkley, Max and Coco. I always said that with him, the Lord was first and his dogs were next. I followed a distant third!

12. Due to his stint in Vietnam, he was practically deaf in both ears. I was always "yelling" at him across the room to do this or that. He always responded with "Love you too".

13. His suburban always smelled like dirty socks. I complained all the time, but he thought I was just imagining it. I think it had something to do with all the dirty towels, socks and golf shoes he left in the back of his vehicle. I'm telling the truth...ask any of his employees.

14. Al was very tenderhearted. He cried often, not only at church, but during commercials and movies.

15. He would eat leftovers until there were no longer any leftovers, even if it meant eating the same thing for a week! Yuck.

16. He was so competitive that no one wanted to play board games with him, especially Scrabble. Just ask Jessica about that one.

17. Al loved to make money, but once he did, he couldn't wait to give it away. He would give you the shirt off his back and was a great philanthropist to many charities.

18. He never, never complained while he was sick.

19. He never, never gave up hope while he was sick.

20. He was the most caring, generous, loving husband anyone could ask for. Just ask me...I'll be happy to tell you!

Road Trips

Today is our 10-year wedding anniversary. We should be on a big ship right now (or as Al called it...a floating feedlot) eating our way through the Bahamas. Or we could be on a gorgeous island in Hawaii or even on a golf resort in Arizona or Florida. We had even talked about flying to New York and then driving up to New England with no plan except to take our time and enjoy the scenery. The bottom line is that we never decided where we were going to go, we just knew we were going to do something big.

We enjoyed traveling together. We liked to drive. We would take out the third seat in the Suburban, load up drinks and sandwiches in a cooler and drive. In our ten years together, we drove to Scottsdale, AZ; Orlando, FL (about 4 times); San Diego, CA; Santa Fe, NM; Branson, MO; Destin, FL (about 3 times) and various cities throughout Texas. On our longer trips, we would usually space out our trips over a two day period. I would be the deejay and alternate between Christian music, preaching CDs and of course, I had to throw in a little George Strait. (I was always made fun of for that one!) Al had a great voice...I would put in his favorite CDs and ask him to sing. He did, loud and with feeling. I would "attempt" to sing along, but I did that infrequently because I didn't want to ruin the song. I make a joyful (aka out-of-tune) noise!

I was the navigation system (along with On-Star) and Al drove. He never let me drive. I offered all the time, but he felt it was his job to do it. Periodically, he would let me take the wheel for about 30 minutes to an hour so he could take a power nap. Aside from that, we drove at least 10 hours a day and loved it.

Our last trip together was the first week of June, 2010 to San Diego, CA. It was a beautiful drive. Jessica, Javier and the girls followed in their car and we had a caravan to the coast. Delilah rode with us the 2nd day, solely I think to get away from her sisters. We enjoyed having her with us. Al felt OK during that trip. Just OK, not great. I look back now and remember that he had to stop several times during the day as we walked around the San Diego Zoo. He did play golf twice, but struggled with swollen legs. Also, he skipped the whole day that we went to Legoland. He stayed behind in the hotel to rest. It is obvious now that he was sick and we just didn't know it. I think of that trip often and am so grateful we had one last time to take a long road trip together.

Even in the last two weeks of his life, Al would bring up our 10 year anniversary trip. He asked me where I wanted to go. I kidded with him and told him that after spending all that time in the hospital, we needed to get far, far away. I am grateful that we never talked about the fact that the trip would never happen, even though I knew it wouldn't. I can't say that Al knew, because he never, never, never gave up hope that he would get out of that place.

A couple of days ago Nene asked if PawPaw was still in heaven. Jessica told her that he was. Nene then asked if he was ever going to come back. No, he won't come back. He has made the ultimate road trip and I can only imagine what is happening at his final destination. Happy Anniversary.

Grocery Store

The other day I went to the grocery store. Most of you are now probably saying, "so"? But for those that really know me that statement is a milestone. I hate to grocery shop and my husband loved to. He would do all the shopping and would go to the store at least once or twice a week. We had a standing date on Thursday nights to go to HEB Plus. (What a romantic!) I shop quickly, dropping things in the basket aisle by aisle, or I would simply skip an aisle if I vaguely thought I didn't need anything on it. When we went together, I would leave Al in the produce section, while I grabbed everything else we needed. I would get a few things, then drop them in the cart (which he insisted he be in charge of) and move on to get another handful. He would stay in the produce section for hours if I let him. Does anybody else tap watermelon and sniff cantaloupe to see if they're fresh? What is that anyway?

I remember exactly the last time Al went grocery shopping. It was October 22nd - the day his leg got infected and the last day our lives were normal. Later that night he went to the emergency room for the first time and was diagnosed six days later. Because I was so busy with him, we hired someone to take care of the house and to do the grocery shopping. So, calculating all that time, it has been over 5 months since I personally set foot into a grocery store. Because grocery shopping was such a personal experience for both of us, I had been dreading venturing inside a store on my own. But, I had moved and I had absolutely nothing to eat. I did well going into the store, but when I turned the first corner and saw the produce, I lost it. Consequently, I skipped the whole section and still have no fruits and vegetables.

I am not as good a shopper as Al was. By the end of my trip I had powered donuts, vanilla wafers, sea salt and vinegar potato chips, mixed nuts, toilet paper and diet coke. Oh well, fruits and vegtebles are overrated... maybe next time.

Time flies when....

One month ago today my husband passed away. The saying "Time flies when you're having fun" is so true, but when you're not having fun, like me, it can be the longest time you will ever spend.

The first week was the viewing, the funeral, hearing from friends and eating the food that simply appeared at my door. Thank you to everyone who prayed, cooked, called, mailed cards or left a message for me. It was all sincerely appreciated. The second week, I sold my house and the buyers wanted to take possession within 2 1/2 weeks. Who can turn down an offer on your house (when it wasn't even on the market) for almost full asking price...not me. Al would have wanted me to sell, we had talked about it often. In fact, while he was in the hospital the last month, he kept asking me if it was on the market yet. I had not done that, because I still held out hope that he would come home. In any case, it sold. But, by the end of the second week, I couldn't believe it had only been two weeks since his passing...it felt like two years. The third and fourth week, I packed and packed and packed. That kept me busy, which is what I needed.

Today I closed on the house and I am officially moved into my condo on the water. It is small (talk about downsizing) but, cozy and beautiful. This was the perfect place for me to go. Al and I had purchased this as a "second home" two years ago. Even though we only spent two nights in it in that time frame, I would come here often during the day and relax and sometimes even accomplish some work. He told me once that if anything happened to me he would move here. Instead, it's me moving, but at least it is to a place that had meaning to both of us.

During the packing process, I stared at all the "stuff" and said out loud to a friend, "I can't believe Al died and left me to do this all by myself". It was not said in anger, simply sadness. The friend looked at me and said, "He didn't mean to". Wow, how real was that statement! Of course, he didn't mean to, so buckle up and move on, that's what he would want.

My new life starts now. I will always miss him...he was an incredible man and a wonderful husband. He would not want me to wallow in sorrow, but rejoice in the fact that he finished his race and was rewarded greatly.

Streets of Gold

This is Jessica, Cindi's daughter with a quick update.

Yesterday morning Al went home to be with Jesus.  He battled cancer for 4 short months.   He was such a wonderful man of God.  He guided us, prayed with us, and lead us all to the Lord.  My life would not be what it is today without him.  The Lord used him to impact all our lives.  His healing didn't come in this life, but in the moment he went to heaven he was healed!  All day I have been thinking about Heaven.  How wonderful it must be.  I can imagine him walking hand in hand with our Saviour Jesus Christ down the streets of gold.  I am heartbroken because I miss him tremendously, but I am also rejoicing that one day I will get to see him again healed, happy and walking again.  I want to thank everyone for your prayers.

My mother will update more when final arrangements have been made.

Status Quo

Status quo is good, at least for me. I don't crave a lot of excitement...I'm happy nestled at home with my husband, psycho dog and a good book. Status quo for us lately has been good. Almost three weeks ago we went back to Holmgreen for rehab. Al was doing great there, anxious to do his therapy everyday, eating well and was regaining some much needed strength. He was on schedule with his therapist. Considering that he hasn't walked since Christmas morning, he was progressing nicely.

And then, flu season hits us. Thirteen days into Holmgreen, Al got a slight fever, some loss of appetite and just an overall "blah" feeling. It really wasn't too serious, so they monitored him for a couple of days. The rolling electrical blackouts occurred during the third day of his mild fever and we were not getting results on blood work quickly enough because various lab sites were down due to the electrical issues. Holmgreen decided to send Al to the ER to run his blood work and chest x-ray. Everyone fully intended for him to be back at Holmgreen that night. That was 8 days ago. Upon admission, he tested negative for the flu, but he did have a small amount of fluid in his lungs (talk about status quo), so they decided to keep him. I was glad due to the horrible weather that was approaching. The hospital is closer to home and I just felt safer knowing he was in the hospital during those days.

Yesterday, out of the blue, his doctor came in and told us that his flu test (which was once negative) was now positive. So, Al has the flu. We both had our flu shots in early October, but due to his weakened immune system, the flu shot just didn't cut it this time. He is doing good, his fever is gone, but you would think we are in Outbreak mode due to the hospital's policies and procedures concerning patients with influenza. This is on our door:

Then, there is a tray full of masks and gowns;

By the time you're done, you will look like this:

We will probably stay in the hospital until early next week. Until then, this status quo is good for me.

ACC: An "Orphan" Disease

In an earlier post, I attempted to give you a medical lesson on adrenal cortical carcinoma. I mentioned that it was rare. Actually it is termed, ultra rare. As an ultra rare cancer, this disease receives little to none (more none than little) government funding for research. Unfortunately, rare and ultra rare cancers fall behind in resources and funding, so finding a cure for these types of cancers will not happen without the help of government authorities such as the Institute of Cancer Research. Treatment for patients with these rare cancers (aka orphan diseases) fall far behind others due to the limited number of individuals diagnosed each year.


As mentioned earlier, Al's treatment of choice was chemotherapy. Since his Cushing Syndrome was so out of control, chemotherapy is not an option for him, at least for now. His plan B was the chemo drug, Mitotane. I have since found out that this drug is a derivative of DDT which is a well-known pesticide. It is also marketed as an "orphan drug" due to the small number of patients in need of it. Also, Mitotane is a 40+ year old drug that was used to treat breast cancer patients that many years ago. As breast cancer treatment has wonderfully progressed, ACC's treatment is still the 40 year old drug. To me, it is insane that my husband's only choice of treatment is a 40 year old pesticide!


While I can't fund the cure for ACC, I can help in some small way. While doing research on ACC, I went to Lance Armstrong's Foundation, Livestrong. Adrenal Cancer is not even listed as one of the diseases in their library. I hope one day to contribute to that site and lend some "expert" knowledge on ACC. Until then, I have made a donation to do my part to find a cure. Our family is wearing the yellow bracelet tagged Livestrong in honor of Al. Won't you make a small donation and do the same?

Quick Update #4

I'm sorry it's been a week since I posted anything of significance, but by the time I get home at night I just want to sleep! Next week I am going to make an effort to write while I am at rehab with Al and hopefully this blog will be more timely.

As you know, Al is back at Holmgreen for rehab and this time he is up for the challenge. As we now know, his last attempt at rehab was too soon. Apparently, the Cushing Syndrome was not stable enough for him to focus on regaining some of his strength. He was still overwhelmed with fatigue, weakness and loss of appetite. This time around it's another story! The Cushing is stable, so he is ready to put the effort forward to get stronger. He is focused and ready for physical therapy. He has already had two sessions and it is completely different between this visit and the last one. Earlier today he complained that he was not getting PT because it was Saturday. He thought that was ridiculous and griped about it for an hour. As we both were dozing off...PT knocked on the door and told him it was time for his therapy. If he could have jumped out of bed, he would have to beat them to the gym. As for me, I stayed in the room and continued that nap!

In summary, he is doing great. He is focused, stronger and hungrier. Continue praying for his therapy sessions as we both want him to come home soon.

Roller Coasters Scare Me

I am not a fan of roller coasters. I guess I was when I was younger, but as I matured, the need for speed also matured. It is amazing how these young kids will stand in line for hours just to get on the latest and greatest of these rides. I think the last time I got on a real roller coaster was when the whole family took a trip to Disneyworld in 2004. Al and I rode Space Mountain, which in today's terms is a relatively mild ride. Even though it looks like I was having a blast, I really was secretly counting the seconds until the ride was over.

I have been on a roller coaster for the last 12 weeks. It is up and then down. Currently, we are up, but even I know that most roller coasters have a sudden drop. I'm tired of the drops. As Dr. S says, "we need to catch a break". But as I say, "we need to catch a miracle".

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Al was so excited to be discharged from the hospital last Friday. As my last post indicates, he checked into Holgreen for some rehab. He adjusted really well there especially when we got to his new room and he saw the full-sized bed with air mattress. No more twin size for this 6'3" and "large" sized man.

Rehab began really well. The first day he sat up in a wheelchair for about an hour which was more than he had done in the last two weeks. They also took him to their gym where he attempted to stand up. It didn't happen the first day but it did the second day. He was pumped. Also, he began other therapy to strengthen his leg muscles.

Friday after physical therapy he took a nap, but I could tell he was restless. He woke up not feeling very well. He felt that he was struggling for each breath. By early evening his pulse oxygen level was down to 89 and then 84. That is a serious drop. Holgreen called the ambulance and we were back in the ER. We were in the ER for four hours and he was very sick the entire time. He was struggling for each breath, sweating and he had a 101 fever. Diagnosis: fluid in the lungs/pneumonia. This time we were sent to ICU, or as I call it, the "Expensive Care Unit". He got excellent care there and after two days he said he felt the best he had in weeks. After two days, he was moved to a regular room and we are optimistic that he will continue to improve.

Obviously, there is a pattern here. He is on the granddaddy of all antibiotics, and it can only be given through an IV. Within a few days of coming off the antibiotic he gets sick. This time, his doctor will run the usual course of treatment through the IV and then he will keep him in the hospital for another 48 hours to see how he reacts.

Al is disappointed because he feels he was making progress and was anxious to begin extensive physical therapy. On a  positive note, he also feels that he is able to concentrate and focus much better than in the previous weeks. Look out managers...I'm sure he will begin calling each one of you to check on your departments.

Sleeping Alone

I don't know about other wives, but I stay with my husband when he is in the hospital. It is not the most pleasant experience, but at least we are close by. When he was in the hospital in October and November I slept every night in a recliner that pulled out into a "bed". The "bed" consisted of a big lump between cushions that settled on my lower back. If you wanted to roll over, chances are that you would hit an elbow or arm. In other words, it was the worst sleep possible.

This stay in the hospital, we were admitted on Christmas Day. I think the charge nurse felt sorry for us, so she put us in a semi-private room with no roommate. It was early in the day and we stayed on our side of the room but kept one eye on the door to see if we would be sharing facilities with some other poor soul that had to spend the holiday in the hospital. By early evening no one appeared, so my eye roamed toward the empty bed. I sheepishly asked the charge nurse if I could sleep in the bed. She said yes and I jumped up and down with delight. I was going to sleep in a bed in the hospital! Lord, thank you for showing me favor.

The next night, I asked her again and she gave me the same answer. I brought my own blanket, laptop, iPad, Kindle and house shoes. This was luxury to me. We stayed together in that room in separate beds for 8 out of the 10 nights he was recovering from pneumonia. A friend and Brian pinch hit for me the other two nights. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of frustration and exhaustion. You cannot sleep in a hospital, especially when nurses and aids and technicians are coming in the room every 20 minutes. I griped, but my husband wanted me there and of course I wanted to be there so we made the best of the situation.

We escaped the hospital tonight and Al moved into a skilled nursing facility ALONE. It is a very nice place, much nicer than the hospital, but they discourage overnight visitors. He is there to regain strength and they encourage him to do things on his own. If he needs water, he needs to reach for it himself without his wife jumping up and getting it for him. I must confess that earlier in the day all I could think of was sleeping in my own bed and how wonderful it would be. I changed my mind after I had to say goodnight to my husband. When I left there, I cried for him and for me and for the space cancer has put between us.

New Year's Resolution

This time of year everyone is vocalizing their New Year's resolutions. Every year I have the same ones: Lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more and give up Sonic Dr. Peppers (regular, not diet). This year, I think I will have only one: To try not to worry.

My super optimistic husband always says: "Don't worry until it's time to worry". Well, I think that women are programmed differently than men when it comes to worrying. Who usually stays up and waits for the kids when they are out at night? Usually the Moms. Who is the first to call the doctor when their child is sick? Moms.

With my husband's illness, I worry about everything. Was today's chest X-ray better than yesterdays? Was his potassium level up or down? Are his legs too swollen or not swollen enough? And the list goes on...

When you love someone it is easy to worry about their health and comfort. I have come to realize that you can only do so much. The rest is up to God. Put it in his hands and stand back and marvel at the outcome. I tend to do this better when I remember one of my favorite scriptures: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.

Happy New Year and praying that 2011 will be a year of miracles!