"There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October." - Nathaniel Hawthorne
I've always loved the month of October. With October comes some of my favorite things: college football, fall clothes, cooler weather and my birthday. A couple of days ago, Jessica came to see me at the condo. A commercial came on television for chicken strips (of all things) at the same time Jessica was asking me the question, "Are you excited about your birthday"? And at that moment, the tears began to sneak out of my eyes. I couldn't believe how I was reacting to a commercial and a simple question about my birthday. And then I realized what the real issue was.
One year ago on my birthday was the absolute last day that our lives were "normal". On October 21st of last year we went to Cheddars (and ate chicken strips, thus the reaction to the commercial) to celebrate my birthday. The next day, which was actually my birthday, was the day Al's leg required a trip to the emergency room. He was admitted, diagnosed 6 days later and died 4 months after that.
It's hard to believe that it will soon by one year since the saga began. I sometimes feel that I am doing great and then all of sudden reality hits. It's hard to live in a town where Al's name is displayed all over the city, seen on license plates and spoken about on television commercials. Because of the commercials, I usually do not watch the news because that is when most of the commercials for the dealership are shown.
While doing some reading on the grieving process, I discovered that it is completely normal to experience a second wave of grief...and I think I've caught the wave. For the last seven months (since his death) I have been extremely busy. I had to pack up a house, move, do some remodeling in the condo and finally settle down. The "down time" that I have now allows me to sit and contemplate "what might have been". This is normal, but quite unhealthy if that's all you do.
Because I have more time now, of course there is more time to think. I can understand how people like me who have lost a spouse can hover between loneliness and grief and sometimes not find their way out.
I am trying to tackle this new emotion before it gets out of hand. I have joined a bereavement group sponsored by a church. It is quite wonderful to be able to listen and to talk to people who know exactly how I feel. It is a ten week course and we have completed three weeks. Somebody outside the group asked me if I really needed to be there. Honestly, at first I thought it would be a nice place to meet people that are going through the same thing I was. But now, I realize I need to be there. I have been able to talk about things to these people that I can't to those who haven't experienced what I have. The group has been wonderful for me.
I'm sure the next few months leading to the one year anniversary of Al's death is going to be hard, just like October does not hold the same pleasure it did for me in years past. Maybe one year it will, but it won't be this year.
These pictures are from my birthday dinner at Cheddar's one year ago and the day before Al went into the hospital.